DAY 22, 23, 24, 25: Jordan Niskanen is waking up in vegas (Facebook status: Sept. 5)

LAS VEGAS

Here it is, hey. The final stop on a long, long winding journey. The last waltz, I guess.

That last one seems pretty accurate, considering the nationality of every member of this trip and where we were and what we conquered.

We had seen baseball games in every city we had been to. On the East, the baseball was passionate and the trips were short, with no more than 24 hours spent in one city (if you count Chicago as two stops). On the West, life moved a little slower, albeit only because we were moving every day.

There had been plenty of beach and plenty of baseball. I arrived in Ontario looking like a Mexican child after it had been 40 degrees in Vancouver all summer, only to be become even more "chihuahua"-ish after 23 days on the road.

In Vegas, there were no baseball games, but there were plenty of games. There were no girls here, but there were a few women. And, you hoped you could win back what you spent on the trip.

Myself, I just won enough to cover about half of my daily Vegas expenses. Others won a lot more... and some, well... I think you can guess.

It was my first time in Vegas, and I was surprised at just how small the strip really was. I mean, when you're ON the strip, it's not small at all - in fact, it's hard to imagine there's anywhere else on earth beside Las Vegas Boulevard.

But when you go off of it, oh boy... it's not surprising that people always die on CSI. Especially when we told one cab driver to take us to a club called "The Nine" and he instead took us 20 minutes off the strip to a "club" called Exclusive Massage.

Our day in the MGM Grand was pretty magical. From our skyline view atop our penthouse balcony to the hotel's public pool(s) that resembled The Real Cancun without the fake storylines, it was the real deal.

We even grabbed a couple of those massive colourful drinks that Ashton Kutcher wolfed down in What Happens in Vegas.

Most of the time was spent either in "recovery" or "descent into madness", but it was totally worth it as a last stop. I mean, I had my butt in plastic seats watching baseball the entire trip and, as much fun as that was, why not end in Las Vegas?

No other city has been purely created out of absolutely nothing to serve as an adult playground. I mean, I've never been to Dubai, but that doesn't seem like what I'm thinking of. Add to the fact that Vegas was created by a gangster so ruthless he apparently killed you if you called him by his nickname and was then shot through the eye before he saw his creation take off and turn to gold, and you have the mixture for a truly historic city. (Hint: he owned the Flamingo)

_____

Few thins in life have made me more uniquely upset than when I had to leave by myself at 6 a.m. from Vegas. I had wanted to "go home" for quite some time, maybe because the entire road trip seemed a little too surreal, even for my tastes.

But at the same time, when you're out there moving around for that long you feel a connection to the pavement. You enjoy more-and-more drinking water with ice for every meal because it saves money (and is actually delicious). You enjoy the shitty mattresses in the Sheffield House (Chicago) and Pacific Sands (Santa Monica). You don't even mind sleeping on the floor when you lose the bed draft.

You almost feel perfectly comfortable being uncomfortable. You feel grounded, even though everything is up in the air.

I seemed to be back in the real as soon as I sat down in the terminal. That made it a little less painful.

I'll have to read this blog over, myself... so I don't forget anything. Or at least so I don't forget the clean version.

But the journey's not over. Nope. Far from it.

I'll come up with something new soon.

Until then. I'm out.

UP NEXT: Nothing.

The Ups and Downs of The Hills

Given the name of the show, you would expect The Hills to have a bit of a bumpy ride. A little up-and-down. Rocky, to say the least.

I mean, on one hand it's genius: you take four mentally retarded females, place them in Hollywood, and give them everything they could possibly ask for - including mentally retarded males who live off the hard work of their parents.

And, on the other hand, it's idiotic: you take four mentally retarded females, place them in Hollywood, and give them everything they could possibly ask for - including mentally retarded males who live off the hard work of their parents.

It's a two-way street where the path is the same and the exits are completely opposite.

And yet, the formula works. Because nobody loves anything more than the opportunity to view the doldrums of society. Especially when these people live the life so many wish they could.

And we also wonder whether they are... just... that... moronic.

But how entertaining is it? Quite.

Although it appears that the show has finally hit the rails - and there's no confusing which exit it was now taken. I used to watch the show when I was drunk in university - my roommate and I had a ritual where we would play Rogers on Demand until 5 a.m., watching either The Hills or its statutory sister - Laguna Beach.

Nevertheless, my eyes just caught this season's preview - right place at the right time, Amigos - and it's almost laughable. No, it's absolutely laughable. The show's resident antagonist - the most hated man for all girls between the ages of 14 and 21 - has decided to sport a cowboy hat for the entire season.

And he is in the least bit John Wayne. I mean you had to watch until the end of the preview to realize that, yes, the show's other characters do realize that he is wearing a Stetson in Beverly Hills. And that's how bad it's gotten: you actually can't give them the benefit of the doubt.

They simply replaced the show's protagonist - who somehow tried vigorously to make her name in the fashion world by interning at low-level clothing companies, even though magazines advertised that she had her own makeup and handbag company at the same time - with her "most hated" rival. Two sad things here: 1) You can't tell whether this girl is actually hated, otherwise why is she there, and 2) It's become a pure thing of mockery.

In the past, guilty pleasure fit the bill.... for perhaps guys and girls. At least guys had the opportunity to look at beautiful woman, and the show was so short it was worth it to catch the once-an-episode-bikini-by-the-pool scene.

Now, it has gone from moronic but brilliant to nothing but a complete and unfixable circus act - the equivalent of the crocodile catching the guy on the tight-rope.

Nothing is real, and the professionals who appear on this show are doing themselves a bigger injustice than the time Joe Namath shamelessly hit on Suzy Kolber.

In each cases, we must treat the nemesis with an equal and opposite reaction: we must change the channel.

DAY 19, 20, 21: There's a place I know in Ontario where the sealions kiss so the story goes. It's amazing shows and Friendship Cove, everyone loves...

SAN DIEGO

The answer is Marine Land, but San Diego is kind of like Niagara Falls on steroids.

And actually on steroids, because this is where Ken Caminiti used to play. Plus it's California... there's a few juice monkeys in the water.

Nevertheless, this is nothing less than a beautiful city. While the waitress at the Del Coronado - the nicest hotel I have ever stayed in - called Coronado (a small, resort-like island just off San Diego's coast line) a "sleepy little town", it no doubt provided us with endless waves and a plethora of not-so-cheap Mexican food.

At one point, while we were playing the game we invented called "Calamity" in the water and ruining the vacation of several fifty-somethings, we even saw dolphins in the water, followed by diving sea gulls who tried to take the little scooners' fish.

Each of the three nights was spent at the same bar - which is surprising but we definitely got the feel for a vibrant downtown. We even discovered that the rickshaw girls here were prostitutes (through the internet) and got harassed by three policemen, one of which I had seen the night before at the same bar apologizing to the bouncer because he was "so drunk last night I couldn't even function".

Those are both actually true. Cops are quite the professionals in the United States. Just like on The Wire.

I think we averaged one cougar/night at that famed bar, as well, which was called Whiskey Girl.

We proceeded to spend each day at happy hour at The Del - a hotel so famous it has housed every president since the Proclamation and Marilyn Monroe (both of those at the same time and in the same room, probably) - and drinking "milk" until and after the Sun went down.

The third day was particularly special because it was our 14th and final baseball game - a triumphant home victory for the San Diego Padres over the Washington Nationals and first baseman Adam Dunn, the biggest man I've ever seen.

However, at 40 degress and sunny, it was next to impossible to sit in my seat for more than one inning at a time. It was even impossible to sit down for that time. At least they served a $5 combo of a hot dog, popcorn, a Coke, a cookie (which nobody ate), and peanuts.

San Diego was the completion of California for us. It was the end of the baseball road trip, for all intents and purposes, and looking back it's a little sad - even though I write this two weeks past the date.

And even though we were going to Las Vegas, where poo smells like pink roses and fortunes are won at the flip of coin (you don't hear about the losses, because those aren't cool), I definitely left a little something in California.

And I don't just mean a piece of my liver.

BLOG: A Tribute to Bill Simmons

He's no longer a contributor to ESPN Magazine - which seems a little more like a tabloid since His absense - but Bill Simmons (known as "The Sports Guy" and, formerly, "The Boston Sports Guy") has spent much of the past few years as America's greatest sports writer.

Now, I'm more the kind to turn my affection to Canadian sports media (unless it's Rod Black covering the Canadian Open) but when it comes to high-quality writing and a general knowledge of sports that cannot be overlooked.

He's right up there with Brian Williams (MSNBC), Bill Clement (ESPN hockey) and Bob Costas (NBC) on that list of the "I know we're American but... come on... we're damn good."

So, as a a tribute to Mr. Simmons (who wrote a basketball column using the most famous quotes of what he (perhaps rightfully) called the greatest movie of the past decade, "Almost Famous"), I am putting forth my Canadian cents (2% of a Loonie) with the NHL's preseason vibes and the quotes of "Superbad."

I know "Superbad" is not "Almost Famous" and I know that it has become the most ill- and oft-quoted movie of the past three years, and that has diminished it's status as a truly revolutionary movie.

However, maybe that just shows how untouchable Mr. Simmons really is...

Here we go, it's the NHL and Superbad (to be released in three segments of 10, in no particular order):

1.

"I’m gonna be totally honest with you. I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys."

"Well, I’ll be honest with you for a second."

"Okay."

"You better get us a s***load of cash or a s***load of alcohol or you’re going to f***ing prison!"

__________

This one goes to what the Chicago Blackhawks have probably just said to Marian Hossa.

After giving up a reasonably sized boatload of cash for the superstar, the Blackhawks were forced to say goodbye to Martin Havlat (their leading scorer last year), Nikolai Khabibulin (the man who guided them to Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals), and Samuel Pahlsson (the most underrated pickup at last year’s trade deadline).

Less than a week later, they botched their restricted free agent filings and had to sign three top-notch youngsters for much, oh, much more than needed and fired their GM Dale Tallon.

But whatever, they got Marian Hossa.

Except now the Hawks now have to deal with an injury that will sideline the Slovak until Christmas.

Add to that the fact that Hossa has never produced down the stretch in the playoffs and that he will no doubt naturally take attention away from Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews – the team’s actual future that are both up for contract evaluation this year – and Marian better hope he produces.

Otherwise, the Blackhawks will unjustly blame their biggest investment for a season gone wrong and their own mismanagement.

There was also that thing that happened in a Buffalo cab...

2.

"And you landed on McLovin…"

"Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed."

"Why the f*** would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don’t you just pick a common name like a normal person?"

"Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a f***ing book for once."

"Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?"

"Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?"

"NO! THAT’S WHY YOU PICKED A DUMB F***ING NAME!"

This one goes to the “too smart for their own good” routine that you see all too often to your buddies (or you) in fantasy sports and then hope it doesn’t carry over to your team’s actual general manager.

This one sadly goes to the Edmonton Oilers who, to be quite honest, always do everything right (except for that Dustin Penner thing).

The Oilers signed a still-great legendary head coach, Pat Quinn, and a man who has deserved to be a general manager for a long time, Steve Tambellini. They’re building from the ground up, signing the best players in Canada and picking up underrated, talented draft picks. It all matches up well.

Plus, they have the ability to perhaps make the playoffs now, while they’re building for the future.

They’ve curbed the influence of Kevin Lowe, who (sorry, dude) really should not have total, if any, control over a team. Sam Gagner will be their captain in a few years, Andrew Cogliano is the fastest player in the league when Matthew Lombardi is not on the ice, and they really appear to be the Chicago Blackhawks circa two years ago.

It sounds all good, right?

Well, to steal from the above quote…

"Have YOU actually ever met anyone who wanted to play in Edmonton?"

It's going to be hard bringing more and more talent to join the homegrown stars of the Oilers, 'nuff said.

3.

(A continuation of the last scene) "Stay calm, okay? Let’s not lose our heads. It’s… it’s a fine ID; it’ll… it’s gonna work. It’s passable, okay? This isn’t terrible. I mean, it’s up to you Fogell. This guy is either gonna think ‘Here’s another kid with a fake ID’ or ‘Here’s McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiin organ donor.’ Okay? So what’s it gonna be?"

"… I am McLovin!"

Here’s for the no-look, balls-deep, go-right-ahead-and-take-the-last-piece-of-Key Lime pie-away-from-Gary Busey move.

The flaunt-what-you-got technique.

The Kim Kardashian, I’ll-just-puff-out-my-chest-and-walk stuff.

Nothing may characterize it better than the Flames’ Daryl Sutter’s ingenious grab of Jay Bouwmeester. Anybody who truly analyzed this situation should have known that Jay-Bo would have had a minimum of five serious considerations, three of which may have been on the West Coast of Canada, and it was pretty much a toss-up.

But a guy like Jay seemed to want someone to want him.

Daryl gave Florida the Flames’ own upcoming free agent, Jordan Leopold, who he would have let go anyway (i.e. Evan’s line outside of the liquor mart, “Then we’re right back where we are now”), and he got five days to negotiate with Jay before anyone else.

Daryl unleashed an arsenal of guys to court who Sutter called, “The best defenceman at both ends of the ice in the game today,” including Jarome Iginla, Dion Phaneuf, and new head coach Brent Sutter.

And, if you’ve ever met anybody from Calgary, they’re very effective at making Calgary look good by making you forget that anywhere else exists.

Sutter said, “Screw it” and teed up the 8-ball for the bounce shot. And he sunk it.

P.S. This line could additionally be applied to Theoren Fleury alone. While he hasn't made a balls-deep move, the man controls his own destiny and looks poised to return to the Flames and make Claude Lemieux's comeback look like Doug Gilmour's return to Toronto (i.e. lame).

4.

(Seth, repeatedly)

"What the f***?"

_____________________

The New York Islanders.

After a few years of completely incomprehensible moves at the hands of the guy who Lightning owners Len Barrie and Oren Koules made us forget, Charles Wang, the Islanders made the logical, obvious move and drafted John Tavares.

Tavares may just have the potential to be Mike Bossy or Bryan Trottier. All he has to do is choose.

It almost erased the bonehead signing of Garth Snow as GM and Rick Dipietro as their 15-year goalie in 2006.

But then, yea, you knew something was going to happen. Probably because Garth Snow is... still... there...

They then signed two more starting goalies, Martin Biron and Dwayne Roloson, who no doubt both want to play. Oh yea, and they still have Dipietro.

Before that, though, they traded to move up to 13^th in the Entry Draft to pick a guy who wouldn’t have gone until much, much later in that round.

Add to that the fact that they currently have a "third" jersey that is better than most team's first and second jerseys, not to mention in a league of its' own compared to those awful tunics the Islanders usually wear.

Whatever.

5.

"How old are you?"

"… 22"

"You certainly are! That’ll be 80 dollars."

"Oh, okay! PSSHAH! Thank you kindly!"

This one goes to the team still on the honeymoon that doesn’t yet realize that that feeling of just absolute relief may… not… be… true.

I’d hate to say it, but this one goes to the Detroit Red Wings.

And I don’t really believe they’re done. No team with Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg is ever done. As the Pittsburgh Penguins have proven, and others have, too, having two superstars is a guarantee of a top-notch team. It gives the mediocre players on your team enough room to go on multiple games of hot and cold streaks.

But I’ll chalk this one up to the conventional, depth chart-checking routine and say that things are far from as stacked as they were last year, and I’m probably not telling you something new.

Hossa, Samuelsson, Hudler, Kopecky, and Conklin are gone. Plus, goaltender Chris Osgood comes with an expiry date.

Luckily for the Wings, I'm giving him until 2011.

But cap space has been the killer: there’s no such thing as an 80 dollar bill, and the Wings are figuring that out.

Plus, this seems to be the first time I ever remember players choosing to leave Detroit. Before, it seemed an even greater testament to the Wings that people would actually want to stay in that diesel-chugging, oil-bubbling, Lions-infested city. But now, with Samuelsson and Kopecky moving on to Western rivals and Jiri Hudler seemingly doing his best to desperately escape to, gulp, Russia (yea, Detroit, you lost to the Soviet Union), things may have changed.

Of course, they’re going to pull something off, and they’re going to win. After all, the boys in Superbad did eventually get alcohol.

But one can dream.

6.

"You drove me…"

"Evan drove me here, so…"

"Well, so I mean, I have my dad’s car… so I could just give you a lift… and Evan can take Becca home. If that works… I dunno. If it’s in your route."

"It’d be fine with me."

"Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food."

"Yeah, I’d like that."

"So, I guess I’ll call you."

"Yea, gimme a call. You have my number."

"I have your information. So, uh, put her there…"

_______________________________________

Cue the poutine, Montreal, you’re getting this one.

It was supposed to be a great year last year. A first place team in 2008, the 100-year celebration of hockey’s most storied franchise (no, Toronto, that’s not you), and added weapons like Robert Lang and Alex Tanguay to boost an already torrid offence, led by perhaps the league’s most skilled individual, Alex Kovalev.

Just like that night in "Superbad" was supposed to be the night the two got laid.

But yea, now it’s kind of awkward. They didn’t want to waive goodbye to everybody, but everybody’s gone. Kovalev underachieved, he’s out. Tanguay and Lang were hurt for important stretches, they’re out. Mike Komisarek… is… just… out. And, head coach Guy Carbonneau ist kaput.

Things didn’t quite go the way they were planned to last year, most of all for wunderkind goaltender Carey Price. But hey, you’ve gotta look up to get down.

The Canadiens are still alive and they could be a good team, so long as their new route of loading up on free agents (where have you gone, Glen Sather?) instead of building through the draft turns out to be a charm.

Unfortunately, while last year’s team vastly underachieved, there’s no reason to think it couldn’t have worked… right, Seth? You just shouldn’t have gotten so drunk…

But that was probably Carbonneau’s fault.

There really is no wiggle room now. The wonder year is over, and the Habs must go forth with what they have. They must pretend it is not goodbye, even though they are clearly turning a new page.

Bon adieu!

7.

"Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself? ... ... Not for me."

____________________

Believe it or not, this here is a good thing.

This quote celebrates the team that does their "thing" with a taste for talent a little out of the ordinary. Or, at least, talent that has a different characteristic than everyone else's.

It's going Eastward... with a man I never hoped I would in blue and white.

But for Brian Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs, your future is unexpectedly arriving on your doorstep about three years too early.

If an assist in Kadri's first game wasn't impressive, they've loaded up a great defense and may soon get Phil Kessel.

What's the biggest attraction about these moves?

While the Leafs haven't improved into a true contender (hell, even a true playoff contender) on paper, they have built a scrappy lineup that can compete (I'm not guaranteeing wins, though) day-in and day-out and there's a buzz of excitement about the team that will no doubt bring more talent in the future.

With Kessel, a budding American star, possibly coming in, that means more young talent will look to Toronto and realize that it is still the self-appointed centre of the hockey universe. Could Parise make his way there when his Jersey contract runs out?

You remember those days with JFJ when nobody wanted to go there because that made them comparabe to Brian Leetch at 37, Ron Francis at 40, and Doug Gilmour at next-to-dead?

Those days are done.

Brian Burke has made the Leafs into a desirable destination for free agents - as it should have always been. And, he's done it by making them tough and talented.

You see, that was what I always never got about the Burke criticism that he only likes tough guys. Because the truth is he won't bring along goons. He'll bring along goons who can score a whole lot of goals. He'll bring size that will push around in front of the net. If you don't believe me, try explaining his love for the Sedin twins. Or the fact that he refused to trade Todd Bertuzzi for Bill Guerin before Big Bert exploded in 2002 and 2003 for 85 and 97 points (respectfully).

And yet, nobody else seems to follow a pedigree that has brought him a championship in Anaheim and rescued a franchise in Vancouver.

Get with it, league! He's beating you by fooling you! You think he's a buffoon, and then he wins a damn championship! And, mark my words Toronto, he will win one with you.

8.

"I love you…"

"I love you…"

_________________

The St. Louis Blues take the award for pure heterosexual bromance.

Being a Canucks fan, this is not something I relish in. I must say, I never really minded St. Louis that often until they became perhaps Vancouver’s most-hated rival from the fall of 2002 to the spring of 2004 (up to that whole “Steve Moore” thing).

But all of a sudden, what’s not to like?

I have no sexual/true-fan feelings for the Blues, although I like their uniform colours and their logo and their team name.

But read this list of players and personnel from top-to-bottom:

Paul Kariya – Burnaby native, 2002 Canadian gold medalist, and the most favoured hockey player in the “He would be this much better if Gary Suter wasn’t alive” conversation

T.J. Oshie – Young, quick, wears #74, rocks the shag, and his name sounds like Osh Kosh B’Gosh

David Backes – Dynamite wrist shot that has become the trademark of all American superstars, and (according to Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows) his wife Kelly is “a sweet girl”

Erik Johnson – No. 1 draft picked-defenseman that will actually live up to his billing and become the must underrated young star in the NHL at the same time

Jeff Woywitka – Does this thing that CBC’s Kelly Hrudey says is, “He skates backwards, looks left, looks right, and then – watch this here – he passes the puck” (real quote)

Keith Tkachuk – Draws the ire of Winnipeg fans but, for a guy this old and fat, it’s pretty impressive that he’s still playing

Chris Mason – Surprise goaltender of the year (ahead of that other Mason) and Grizzly Adams lookalike

Carlo Colaiacovo – Has become more successful since being traded from the Leafs, like almost everyone traded from the Leafs

David Perron – Resembles the already documented exciting play of Backes and Oshie, combined with that spin move in the corner. Together, the three of them could be combined to form the league’s best individual player

Patrick Berglund – Like almost every Blues team before them, they again have a European who plays like a North American and can start young and grow throughout the future

John Davidson/President of Hockey Operations – It’s J.D. man! And, although he was always a better commentator than he was a goaltender, he’s done a damn-good job.

Yup, I love the Blues, but I’m not supposed to.

But sometimes you have to admit that even though they’re going to Dartmouth and I’m going to “some pretty good schools, so…” it’s okay to want to make them a pizza bagel at three o’clock in the morning (you’re going to have had to see Superbad to get that one).

9.

"I peaked too early…"

"You’re like Orson Welles…"

________________________________

Imagine if the Ottawa Senators from two years ago could see themselves now.

I mean, I’ll give Alex Kovalev all the credit he deserves for being the player he is. However, as my old college roommate (it’s nice to be able to say that even though that was four months ago) said, he’s wasted his entire career.

It’s not easy to think that one of the most skilled players in the history of the professional game can suddenly turn that around at the age of 36.

Still, who knew he had such a thing for eastern Canada?

Dany Heatley, meanwhile, has done his best at pulling a Josh from season two of The Office. Nobody likes what Heatley has done, even though they understand his desire for a trade request. Nevertheless, it certainly symbolizes the entire team’s fall from grace that began with a first-to-seventh place regular season finish in 2008.

But every hockey fan in Canada has heard the rumours of drug use and excess partying that has crippled the chemistry and functionality of the Senators’ team.

It’s Alexandre Daigle all over again.

Suddenly, Daniel Alfredsson’s age is a major stumbling block, as is the total lack of an established goaltender.

At first, the superstar status of the nation’s capital was charming – how did the smallest hockey market in Canada have the best chance to win its first Cup since 1993?

Now, to quote Stanley from season four of The Office, “HAHA! Sometimes I say crazy things…”

10.

"I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all."

_____________

Come on, Phoenix. Come on, Gary.

I know you're worried about it. You don't have to keep pretending you're in the desert so nothing matters. And you don't need to keep bobbling your head when you speak while you're repeating that you're not worried about it.

We all know you're both very worried about it.

DAY 16, 17, 18: And I remember the day...

SANTA MONICA

Santa Monica is such a mix of the best and the worst things of L.A. that it's almost incomprehensible. I don't mean for that to sound bleak, but the difference that you will see from the Santa Monica and the first alleyway behind the Ivy at the Beach restaurant is staggering.

And that's a distance of only about 50 feet.

I mean, even just to get into our "man cave" of a hotel room (which was rated right up there with the Sheffield House as the trip's worst, so far), we had to pass through an alleyway of restaurant employees on their smoke break who were far from owning one of the car's parked in the Ivy's valet.

And yet, there are several things about L.A. that I found I loved... or, at least I wish I had more time. A trip to Hollywood Boulevard, Sunset Boulevard, and Beverly Hills gave me a sight of the "good life" (by the time I write this, that Kanye West song really doesn't have the same "pop" to it), and when we drove to Los Angeles International, I was able to see the surroundings where much of the people who sat around us in Dodger Stadium probably lived.

We sat in the back... far, far in the back. Yet, it was amazingly close to both Manny Ramirez and Matt Kemp in the outfield, who we saw hit back-to-back homers, even though L.A. fell 4-3 to the Arizona Diamondbacks - in the trip's first extra innings duel.

The D'Backs won, but it didn't really matter. I mean, that's freaking Manny Ramirez in right field! He's an idiot, but I never knew that hair was that long until I saw it up close.

Matt Caicco even bought a Manny Wig - an amazing purchase for a guy tremendously careful with money (in a good way Caicco, you know that).

I didn't see too much of where Vincent Chase hung out, but I didn't really care. I did see where the Z Boyz hung out, though, and that's perhaps a little more real. All I've ever seen on L.A. was in movies and T.V. shows, and you never really get the vibe of the city.

Even in movies like Crash, Heat, and the Big Lebowski... L.A. looks less than "flattering" but it's still charming. And, while I was charmed, I was glad to see it's real side... the side that everyone living there experiences.

In fact, we lived a better life than even that.

I would highly recommend Santa Monica as a sleeping post. I mean, I'm sure there are several other places here that are fine - for cheap kids like us, some healthy girls told us that we could get a much nicer hotel room in Venice Beach for half the price, so keep that in mind - but the waves and the Promenade made it all worth while.

By the way, the waves were tremendous.

In the words of the Mexican guys in black jeans and carpenter boots walking back and forth across the sand, "Mangomango, Fruits and Mango."

I'm out...

DAY 14, 15: If you're stuck in rush hour traffic out on the 101...

HUNGTINTON BEACH/ANAHEIM/THE O.C.

Basically, here's how it goes:

I assumed that being in San Francisco would be alright, and we saw some bloods. We then went to Anaheim, where I would assume the biggest threat would be Ryan Atwood's character from the O.C., except everyone where's red...

Not surprisingly, though, the game went smooth as rocks. It was one of the purest, fan-crazy atmospheres on our entire trip and it even featured a William Shatner cameo on the big screen when they brought the Rally Monkeys out.

The Angels came back in a huge way, buoyed by two home runs from apparent superstud Kendry Morales and a seven-run seventh inning to take the game 11-7 over the lowly Oakland Athletics.

In a sea of red, our blues stood out. But in one of California's only areas where caviar is on most peoples' minds, it didn't matter.

________

We stayed two nights in Huntington Beach and I can definitely see what the hype is about. I mean, when we pulled up to our motel (the Beach Motel) and there was no beach within sight and there was a sign on the reception saying "NO PARTIES" we were kind of bummed.

That was until we realized that the owners didn't speak English and we could party our faces off. Especially as the 13th man Duncan Fraser showed up from Toronto at midnight on Aug. 27 with personalized t-shirts for each of us, labeled BRT Boysies 09 on the front.

It was a bit of a relief. I mean, he was taking a while to show up, which meant we were able to drink way too much "milk" before he got there, and we had to beat that L.A. highway traffic on the way in. And we had a van, so there was no chance of letting the roof fall back and enjoy the California sun.

Okay, I'll admit, that last sentence sounded like I was "from San Francisco".

It's a little humbling to be in "Surf City," especially when you hear so much about these places. I mean, come on, it basically inspired a whole type of music, hairstyle, and "medicinal drug" that are now well known and coveted.

But the beach was phenomenal. There were plenty of women and waves for everyone, and I loved how you could get 40 feet out in the water, get thrashed around for half an hour and then end up 100 feet away from where you first got in.

It was a nice slice of relaxation from the East Coast travel schedule. Even though that was amazing, I still needed some time in the sand, where I could pretend I was a "dude" and use words like "gnarly" and "whoa, bro!"

Maybe I use those already... I don't know.

Either way, go to Huntington Beach and if you go out at night, I highly suggest hitting Sharkey's bar from their massive buckets of "milk" that they serve and then hitting the ocean after hours as a beach patrol ATV tries to chase you.

Mucho fun-o.

NEW BOYSIES

I know the title sounds.... odd... but that's our group.

I felt it was imperative to note that I forgot to mention the difference between New York/Boston and San Francisco, as we dropped Josh Ellis (Jellis) and added Scott Whidden (Whidden), Wyatt Gray (Wyatt), and Alex Koehler (W.C. Trollz, Trolls, Controller, Koehler).

Welcome to the West Coast, boys.

DAY 13: Big Sur(f)

BIG SUR/SAN LUIS OBISPO

San Luis Obispo had no idea what hit them once we left. Especially after we raided the Jamba Juice.

After Big Sur, however, we had no idea what hit us. It really is the "most beautiful meeting of land and water in the world" (Robert Louis Stevenson).

There were many, many pictures taken, but there really are no words that can it justice. The cliffs cascade down into the water as cars whiz by, and your feet cling to the orange rock below you as wind gusts smack you in the chest.

I also finally got into my Jack Kerouac book, titled (of course) Big Sur, and I was pretty surprised to find that it's actually good... I tried to read On The Road and it was hard to get past all the rambling scribbles that aren't even broken up by paragraphs.

The biggest announcement of the day was that the 50th license plate was found. HAWAII.

Bigger than that... we finally got to crack that bottle of champagne that we bought after seeing Wyoming (#48) and drink it atop the cliffs on Big Sur.

Missed visits: Carmel, the town Clint Eastwood used to be mayor of

Good visit: Santa Cruz, a little surf town south of San Fran

We got into San Luis Obispo at about 8 p.m. and packed in two Big Macs each. We then proceeded with several hours of "football" (not the NFL kind) and I really can't go into too much detail past that...

Such is life.

I'm out

UPDATES

In Vegas, it is insane. I will being to report day-by-day with the rest of the trip. Hope all is well in the real world.

San Francisco, Part II: Where'd you get those hydraulics from?

Okay, there is a second side to San Francisco we saw... and it's not just San Francisco, and it's not just California but it's the United States in general.

I must say, I do love the U.S. for some things, many and most of which I've seen on this trip. I love it for Hollywood, it's cheap pizza, it's love of television, it's knowledge of sports (every passerby at a ballpark has been able to have an intelligent conversation about the Blue Jays and their retarded manager J.P. Ricciardi), it's 40 different kinds of potato chips, and it's big cities.

But upon exiting the Giants' game, we clearly saw that negative, uneducated side of this country. We were essentially booed out of AT&T Park by "South Central Los Angeles", even though we had cheered for the Giants all game (I mean, I had money on them... sorry, Mom) and they won.

We've had the dumb cheers at every stadium by people saying, "Blue Jays suck." Yea, that's a good one, how long did it take you to think of that?

But being told, "Get the f*** out of San Francisco!" and being threatened by hoodlums is a little too much. And I'm not even angry about it, I find it quite funny.

However, when three guys who are so cool they cant even grow hair on their head and they have chains that cost more than their mortgage say, "F*** blue!" and flash red t-shirts, let's just take a second and pause...

I know what that means - you think you're a gang and so you don't like people who know how to brush their teeth.

But blue?

That's a colour. I mean, Tupac and Biggie - I got that. I've seen Boyz N Tha Hood - I got that. Hell, I even get the main conflict in The Emperor's New Groove.

But blue?

Go and get your GED and then come talk to me. Maybe read a book, or even a page of a book (and a magazine doesn't count). Until you understand that blue is a colour and that it wasn't invented by a guy wearing an oversized New Era hat on the East Side of North America.

Are you just feeling insecure that your city's biggest celebrity right now is Harvey Milk?

Maybe. But until you get over whatever you're sitting on, please let the 95% of San Francisco that are amazing people take care of things and stop ruining your city's and country's reputation for everybody else.

I'm out.

DAY 10, 11, 12: Bologna, a woman's love, a good cellphone...

SAN FRANCISCO

Goodbye Boston. It was a little sad to say goodbye to the hometown of two of my favourite sports writers, Mike Shalin and Bill Simmons, who duke it out for top dog in a city that definitely knows it's baseball and also likes to steal the Vancouver Canucks talent out from under us (First Neely and now Lucic? Do you want Hodgson and Schneider, too?)

It appears as if there are two faces to every city. I mean, if you were to judge San Francisco on the way from the airport to any hotel worth staying at, you would probably call it "the land of the homeless."

But it is San Francisco, and it's a great city. Pier 39 feels like a theme park, and we even had a hat draw to see which loser had to do the bungee jump trampoline with all the kids.

Alex Graham, way to handle it like a champ.

A few of us went over the Golden Gate Bridge, a few of us saw Lombard St. We all drank and played football for a while in a dog park, and I will say that there is nothing quite as exhilarating as getting yelled at by a woman walking her dog.

We made our first Hooters visit of the trip, and there will be plenty more to come.

The Giants game was also insane (in a good way, not in a Howard Hughes way) until the end, which I will detail later. All-in-all, Giants defeated the Arizona Diamondbacks even though closer Brian Wilson deteriorated faster than the "actual" Brian Wilson and almost cost them the game.

We were here for three days, but I must say there was nothing as good as getting that feeling upon the arrival at the airport that first morning and being able to say, "I'm in California."