THE AWARDS SHOW

This here is what they call an Awards Show.

The entire world revolves around Awards Shows believe it or not. Some people get all gushy during the Oscars, seeing in the stars a higher power that they wish they had in themselves. Others debase the Oscars as a materialistic and shallow portrayal of society, but they become one-in-the-same during the X Games.

But this is a pony of a different stripe and a zebra of a different trot. This here is the unofficial (well, official, actually) presentation of the best I've got to give.

This is an honour to the participants involved in 26 days of debauchery. Believe it or not, that much chaos is actually a lot of work. Vacation, my ass. It made World War II look like World War I.

In memoriam...

_____

1. LEG OF THE TRIP (Legend of the Trip):

Alex Graham

– A variety of reasons that cannot be told to your kids, but basically he had the MOST POINTS

2. THE TONY SOPRANO AWARD (Best Use of a Robe):

Scott Whidden

– He looked better than this guy

3. THE JIM LOVELL AWARD (Biggest Space Cadet):

Jordan Niskanen

– More often than not, he could not pass off his questions as "curiosity"

4. THE RUDY AWARD (All Heart, Little Skill):

Vir Sodhi

– Unlikely contest winner...

5. THE U.S.O. AWARD (Most Use of an Appendage):

Josh Ellis

– You know, come on.

6. KAMIKAZE AWARD (Greatest Use of the Ocean):

Wyatt Gray

– He practically grew a fin

7. PENNY HARDAWAY AWARD (Best Dressed):

Mike Weatherbee

– Partially, almost wholly, because of his Pen Man jersey

8. THE YANKEES AWARD (Least Interest in the Recession):

Duncan Fraser

– His flight in/cab from the airport/t-shirt manufacturing/Angels game/Santa Monica dinner transferred Extravagant Day to the West Coast for good

9. THE WESLEY SNIPES AWARD (Oddest Tan):

James Hall

– Oddly enough, his tan was visible everywhere except Facebook

10. THE THIRD BASE BOACH AWARD (Responsible Country Music-Lover with an Affinity for Sunglasses)

Dan MacIldoon

– The only one who had a shot with the girl playing baseball on the beach

11. THE SWITZERLAND AWARD (Violently Non-Partisan)

Mike Daly

– Gets point for driving on the West and East Coasts

12. THE JACOB MARLEY AWARD (Tax Man)

Matt Caicco

– Didn't need an income to take the trip. Good on ya!

13. I can't think of an award for myself. It ain't the right thing to do.

If there are anymore suggestions, give me a shout and I'll post them up.

Congrats to all the winners.

THE NUMBERS GAME

On the first day of the NHL season, it seems only fitting that I proceed with a Sportscenter regular-type of segment.

Hold on my soup is burning...

(45 seconds later)

Okay, I'm back.

The Numbers Game is an old trick of sportscasters, and has been used by everybody from my favourite "sportsmen" – such as ESPN's Bill Simmons and TSN's Darren Dutchyshen – to some of the most maligned men in the business – I will not say who for the fear that I may one day work with one or two of them.

It's simple, and you probably know it.

4 – Number of Hooters restaurants visited on this trip

21 – Dollars of the trip's most expensive drink

3 – Most Big Macs finished in one sitting

5,000 – The amount of times that Jordan Niskanen played "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus

30 – Roughly the amount of "points" that Alex Graham accumulated to win Legend of the Trip

-10 – Roughly the amount of "points" that Jordan Niskanen accumulated to not win Legend of the Trip

4 – Number of times in a row that Mike Weatherbee won on 1 number in Roulette

4 – Number of different casinos he did it in

3 – Number of home runs witnessed that went over the Green Monster at Fenway Park

8 – How many runs A.J. Burnett allowed to the Boston Red Sox

0 – Number of times one should "experience" Oakland Coliseum

13 – Amount of people who slept in one room in the MGM Grand

3 – Celebrity sightings (Suzann Sommers, Pete Rose, and the guy that plays Stevie on "Eastbound and Down")

1 – Number of cab drivers who openly hated Brett Favre, and then retracted that thought while continuing to speak on the subject and realizing that he still loved him

30 – Number of beers Josh Ellis never collected for winning the Survivor Game (you guess the winner every game, and the last man standing wins)

3 – Number of times we witness the Arizona Diamondbacks live

1 – Number of times the Arizona Diamondbacks were actually alive for those games

45 – Roughly the amount of times that very clever baseball fans conjured up the chirp, "Hey... Blue Jays suck"

1 – Number of times that was said with a Latin American accent (it was even funnier)

2 – Number of innings Alex Rios ended with bad hitting/baserunning for the Chicago White Sox

14 – Number of "boysies" over the entire trip who wore Blue Jays sweaters to a game

0 – Number of times we saw the Blue Jays play

1,324 – Number of times the word "knife" was said on the trip

1,325 – Number of times the word "Dwayne" was used to describe somebody sleeping/being an idiot/gazing off into space

$5 – Total cost of a bag of peanuts, pop, hot dog, cookie, and popcorn at the San Diego Padres game

3 – The number of points Alex Ovechkin already has in his first NHL regular season game this season (this is not from the Road Trip)