1.
"I’m gonna be totally honest with you. I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys."
"Well, I’ll be honest with you for a second."
"Okay."
"You better get us a s***load of cash or a s***load of alcohol or you’re going to f***ing prison!"
__________
This one goes to what the Chicago Blackhawks have probably just said to Marian Hossa.
After giving up a reasonably sized boatload of cash for the superstar, the Blackhawks were forced to say goodbye to Martin Havlat (their leading scorer last year), Nikolai Khabibulin (the man who guided them to Game 5 of the Western Conference Finals), and Samuel Pahlsson (the most underrated pickup at last year’s trade deadline).
Less than a week later, they botched their restricted free agent filings and had to sign three top-notch youngsters for much, oh, much more than needed and fired their GM Dale Tallon.
But whatever, they got Marian Hossa.
Except now the Hawks now have to deal with an injury that will sideline the Slovak until Christmas.
Add to that the fact that Hossa has never produced down the stretch in the playoffs and that he will no doubt naturally take attention away from Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews – the team’s actual future that are both up for contract evaluation this year – and Marian better hope he produces.
Otherwise, the Blackhawks will unjustly blame their biggest investment for a season gone wrong and their own mismanagement.
There was also that thing that happened in a Buffalo cab...
2.
"And you landed on McLovin…"
"Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed."
"Why the f*** would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don’t you just pick a common name like a normal person?"
"Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a f***ing book for once."
"Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?"
"Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?"
"NO! THAT’S WHY YOU PICKED A DUMB F***ING NAME!"
This one goes to the “too smart for their own good” routine that you see all too often to your buddies (or you) in fantasy sports and then hope it doesn’t carry over to your team’s actual general manager.
This one sadly goes to the Edmonton Oilers who, to be quite honest, always do everything right (except for that Dustin Penner thing).
The Oilers signed a still-great legendary head coach, Pat Quinn, and a man who has deserved to be a general manager for a long time, Steve Tambellini. They’re building from the ground up, signing the best players in Canada and picking up underrated, talented draft picks. It all matches up well.
Plus, they have the ability to perhaps make the playoffs now, while they’re building for the future.
They’ve curbed the influence of Kevin Lowe, who (sorry, dude) really should not have total, if any, control over a team. Sam Gagner will be their captain in a few years, Andrew Cogliano is the fastest player in the league when Matthew Lombardi is not on the ice, and they really appear to be the Chicago Blackhawks circa two years ago.
It sounds all good, right?
Well, to steal from the above quote…
"Have YOU actually ever met anyone who wanted to play in Edmonton?"
It's going to be hard bringing more and more talent to join the homegrown stars of the Oilers, 'nuff said.
3.
(A continuation of the last scene) "Stay calm, okay? Let’s not lose our heads. It’s… it’s a fine ID; it’ll… it’s gonna work. It’s passable, okay? This isn’t terrible. I mean, it’s up to you Fogell. This guy is either gonna think ‘Here’s another kid with a fake ID’ or ‘Here’s McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiin organ donor.’ Okay? So what’s it gonna be?"
"… I am McLovin!"
Here’s for the no-look, balls-deep, go-right-ahead-and-take-the-last-piece-of-Key Lime pie-away-from-Gary Busey move.
The flaunt-what-you-got technique.
The Kim Kardashian, I’ll-just-puff-out-my-chest-and-walk stuff.
Nothing may characterize it better than the Flames’ Daryl Sutter’s ingenious grab of Jay Bouwmeester. Anybody who truly analyzed this situation should have known that Jay-Bo would have had a minimum of five serious considerations, three of which may have been on the West Coast of Canada, and it was pretty much a toss-up.
But a guy like Jay seemed to want someone to want him.
Daryl gave Florida the Flames’ own upcoming free agent, Jordan Leopold, who he would have let go anyway (i.e. Evan’s line outside of the liquor mart, “Then we’re right back where we are now”), and he got five days to negotiate with Jay before anyone else.
Daryl unleashed an arsenal of guys to court who Sutter called, “The best defenceman at both ends of the ice in the game today,” including Jarome Iginla, Dion Phaneuf, and new head coach Brent Sutter.
And, if you’ve ever met anybody from Calgary, they’re very effective at making Calgary look good by making you forget that anywhere else exists.
Sutter said, “Screw it” and teed up the 8-ball for the bounce shot. And he sunk it.
P.S. This line could additionally be applied to Theoren Fleury alone. While he hasn't made a balls-deep move, the man controls his own destiny and looks poised to return to the Flames and make Claude Lemieux's comeback look like Doug Gilmour's return to Toronto (i.e. lame).
4.
(Seth, repeatedly)
"What the f***?"
_____________________
The New York Islanders.
After a few years of completely incomprehensible moves at the hands of the guy who Lightning owners Len Barrie and Oren Koules made us forget, Charles Wang, the Islanders made the logical, obvious move and drafted John Tavares.
Tavares may just have the potential to be Mike Bossy or Bryan Trottier. All he has to do is choose.
It almost erased the bonehead signing of Garth Snow as GM and Rick Dipietro as their 15-year goalie in 2006.
But then, yea, you knew something was going to happen. Probably because Garth Snow is... still... there...
They then signed two more starting goalies, Martin Biron and Dwayne Roloson, who no doubt both want to play. Oh yea, and they still have Dipietro.
Before that, though, they traded to move up to 13th in the Entry Draft to pick a guy who wouldn’t have gone until much, much later in that round.
Add to that the fact that they currently have a "third" jersey that is better than most team's first and second jerseys, not to mention in a league of its' own compared to those awful tunics the Islanders usually wear.
Whatever.
"How old are you?"
"… 22"
"You certainly are! That’ll be 80 dollars."
"Oh, okay! PSSHAH! Thank you kindly!"
This one goes to the team still on the honeymoon that doesn’t yet realize that that feeling of just absolute relief may… not… be… true.
I’d hate to say it, but this one goes to the Detroit Red Wings.
And I don’t really believe they’re done. No team with Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg is ever done. As the Pittsburgh Penguins have proven, and others have, too, having two superstars is a guarantee of a top-notch team. It gives the mediocre players on your team enough room to go on multiple games of hot and cold streaks.
But I’ll chalk this one up to the conventional, depth chart-checking routine and say that things are far from as stacked as they were last year, and I’m probably not telling you something new.
Hossa, Samuelsson, Hudler, Kopecky, and Conklin are gone. Plus, goaltender Chris Osgood comes with an expiry date.
Luckily for the Wings, I'm giving him until 2011.
But cap space has been the killer: there’s no such thing as an 80 dollar bill, and the Wings are figuring that out.
Plus, this seems to be the first time I ever remember players choosing to leave Detroit. Before, it seemed an even greater testament to the Wings that people would actually want to stay in that diesel-chugging, oil-bubbling, Lions-infested city. But now, with Samuelsson and Kopecky moving on to Western rivals and Jiri Hudler seemingly doing his best to desperately escape to, gulp, Russia (yea, Detroit, you lost to the Soviet Union), things may have changed.
Of course, they’re going to pull something off, and they’re going to win. After all, the boys in Superbad did eventually get alcohol.
But one can dream.
6.
"You drove me…"
"Evan drove me here, so…"
"Well, so I mean, I have my dad’s car… so I could just give you a lift… and Evan can take Becca home. If that works… I dunno. If it’s in your route."
"It’d be fine with me."
"Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food."
"Yeah, I’d like that."
"So, I guess I’ll call you."
"Yea, gimme a call. You have my number."
"I have your information. So, uh, put her there…"
_______________________________________
Cue the poutine, Montreal, you’re getting this one.
It was supposed to be a great year last year. A first place team in 2008, the 100-year celebration of hockey’s most storied franchise (no, Toronto, that’s not you), and added weapons like Robert Lang and Alex Tanguay to boost an already torrid offence, led by perhaps the league’s most skilled individual, Alex Kovalev.
Just like that night in "Superbad" was supposed to be the night the two got laid.
But yea, now it’s kind of awkward. They didn’t want to waive goodbye to everybody, but everybody’s gone. Kovalev underachieved, he’s out. Tanguay and Lang were hurt for important stretches, they’re out. Mike Komisarek… is… just… out. And, head coach Guy Carbonneau ist kaput.
Things didn’t quite go the way they were planned to last year, most of all for wunderkind goaltender Carey Price. But hey, you’ve gotta look up to get down.
The Canadiens are still alive and they could be a good team, so long as their new route of loading up on free agents (where have you gone, Glen Sather?) instead of building through the draft turns out to be a charm.
Unfortunately, while last year’s team vastly underachieved, there’s no reason to think it couldn’t have worked… right, Seth? You just shouldn’t have gotten so drunk…
But that was probably Carbonneau’s fault.
There really is no wiggle room now. The wonder year is over, and the Habs must go forth with what they have. They must pretend it is not goodbye, even though they are clearly turning a new page.
Bon adieu!
7.
"Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself? ... ... Not for me."
____________________
Believe it or not, this here is a good thing.
This quote celebrates the team that does their "thing" with a taste for talent a little out of the ordinary. Or, at least, talent that has a different characteristic than everyone else's.
It's going Eastward... with a man I never hoped I would in blue and white.
But for Brian Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs, your future is unexpectedly arriving on your doorstep about three years too early.
If an assist in Kadri's first game wasn't impressive, they've loaded up a great defense and may soon get Phil Kessel.
What's the biggest attraction about these moves?
While the Leafs haven't improved into a true contender (hell, even a true playoff contender) on paper, they have built a scrappy lineup that can compete (I'm not guaranteeing wins, though) day-in and day-out and there's a buzz of excitement about the team that will no doubt bring more talent in the future.
With Kessel, a budding American star, possibly coming in, that means more young talent will look to Toronto and realize that it is still the self-appointed centre of the hockey universe. Could Parise make his way there when his Jersey contract runs out?
You remember those days with JFJ when nobody wanted to go there because that made them comparabe to Brian Leetch at 37, Ron Francis at 40, and Doug Gilmour at next-to-dead?
Those days are done.
Brian Burke has made the Leafs into a desirable destination for free agents - as it should have always been. And, he's done it by making them tough and talented.
You see, that was what I always never got about the Burke criticism that he only likes tough guys. Because the truth is he won't bring along goons. He'll bring along goons who can score a whole lot of goals. He'll bring size that will push around in front of the net. If you don't believe me, try explaining his love for the Sedin twins. Or the fact that he refused to trade Todd Bertuzzi for Bill Guerin before Big Bert exploded in 2002 and 2003 for 85 and 97 points (respectfully).
And yet, nobody else seems to follow a pedigree that has brought him a championship in Anaheim and rescued a franchise in Vancouver.
Get with it, league! He's beating you by fooling you! You think he's a buffoon, and then he wins a damn championship! And, mark my words Toronto, he will win one with you.
8.
"I love you…"
"I love you…"
_________________
The St. Louis Blues take the award for pure heterosexual bromance.
Being a Canucks fan, this is not something I relish in. I must say, I never really minded St. Louis that often until they became perhaps Vancouver’s most-hated rival from the fall of 2002 to the spring of 2004 (up to that whole “Steve Moore” thing).
But all of a sudden, what’s not to like?
I have no sexual/true-fan feelings for the Blues, although I like their uniform colours and their logo and their team name.
But read this list of players and personnel from top-to-bottom:
Paul Kariya – Burnaby native, 2002 Canadian gold medalist, and the most favoured hockey player in the “He would be this much better if Gary Suter wasn’t alive” conversation
T.J. Oshie – Young, quick, wears #74, rocks the shag, and his name sounds like Osh Kosh B’Gosh
David Backes – Dynamite wrist shot that has become the trademark of all American superstars, and (according to Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler and Alex Burrows) his wife Kelly is “a sweet girl”
Erik Johnson – No. 1 draft picked-defenseman that will actually live up to his billing and become the must underrated young star in the NHL at the same time
Jeff Woywitka – Does this thing that CBC’s Kelly Hrudey says is, “He skates backwards, looks left, looks right, and then – watch this here – he passes the puck” (real quote)
Keith Tkachuk – Draws the ire of Winnipeg fans but, for a guy this old and fat, it’s pretty impressive that he’s still playing
Chris Mason – Surprise goaltender of the year (ahead of that other Mason) and Grizzly Adams lookalike
Carlo Colaiacovo – Has become more successful since being traded from the Leafs, like almost everyone traded from the Leafs
David Perron – Resembles the already documented exciting play of Backes and Oshie, combined with that spin move in the corner. Together, the three of them could be combined to form the league’s best individual player
Patrick Berglund – Like almost every Blues team before them, they again have a European who plays like a North American and can start young and grow throughout the future
John Davidson/President of Hockey Operations – It’s J.D. man! And, although he was always a better commentator than he was a goaltender, he’s done a damn-good job.
Yup, I love the Blues, but I’m not supposed to.
But sometimes you have to admit that even though they’re going to Dartmouth and I’m going to “some pretty good schools, so…” it’s okay to want to make them a pizza bagel at three o’clock in the morning (you’re going to have had to see Superbad to get that one).
9.
"I peaked too early…"
"You’re like Orson Welles…"
________________________________
Imagine if the Ottawa Senators from two years ago could see themselves now.
I mean, I’ll give Alex Kovalev all the credit he deserves for being the player he is. However, as my old college roommate (it’s nice to be able to say that even though that was four months ago) said, he’s wasted his entire career.
It’s not easy to think that one of the most skilled players in the history of the professional game can suddenly turn that around at the age of 36.
Still, who knew he had such a thing for eastern Canada?
Dany Heatley, meanwhile, has done his best at pulling a Josh from season two of The Office. Nobody likes what Heatley has done, even though they understand his desire for a trade request. Nevertheless, it certainly symbolizes the entire team’s fall from grace that began with a first-to-seventh place regular season finish in 2008.
But every hockey fan in Canada has heard the rumours of drug use and excess partying that has crippled the chemistry and functionality of the Senators’ team.
It’s Alexandre Daigle all over again.
Suddenly, Daniel Alfredsson’s age is a major stumbling block, as is the total lack of an established goaltender.
At first, the superstar status of the nation’s capital was charming – how did the smallest hockey market in Canada have the best chance to win its first Cup since 1993?
Now, to quote Stanley from season four of The Office, “HAHA! Sometimes I say crazy things…”
10.
"I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all."
_____________
Come on, Phoenix. Come on, Gary.
I know you're worried about it. You don't have to keep pretending you're in the desert so nothing matters. And you don't need to keep bobbling your head when you speak while you're repeating that you're not worried about it.
We all know you're both very worried about it.
